Subject: Direction

Message Body:
Dear Sirs
I grew up hurting because of my parents parenting style. I know they thought they were doing the best they could, but it was emotionally and verbally abusive. What would you suggest I do to be able to finally put the hurt behind me and have a positive, healthy relationship now despite the past. I struggle because they act like I’m ungrateful and prideful because I don’t want to be around them because they still treat me like I’m an immature 15-year-old. I struggle with my children being around them. I work every day to work out the tendency to be the same way they are. I just think I need more help, a better understanding of how to proceed, and healing so I don’t create more similar things for my children to have to work through.


Dear _____,

Thank you for reaching out to our ministry! We would be glad to offer any biblical advice that might help you!

#1 – Are you a “born again” believer of Jesus Christ? (See John ch. 3 for “born again.”) If you are not 100% sure you are on your way to heaven through Jesus, take some time to read our “Gospel series” and “Gospel of Salvation series.”

#2 – Concerning how to deal with your parents:

  •                A. Forget the pain of the past – Philippians 3:13 “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,”

even if it be family:

  • Psalm 45:10 “Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own people, and thy father’s house;”

We must forget the wrongs of the past or else we will always struggle to forgive and move on from the past. Joseph’s brothers in Genesis ch. 37 are an example of what happens when we don’t forget painful events. Their father, Jacob, had a favorite kid, Joseph, and he “loved Joseph more than all his children.” (Gen. 37:3) Joseph also had dreams that placed him as above and better than his brothers. Joseph’s brothers were hurt by all of this, but instead of moving on from the pain, they meditated continually upon it until they “hated him” (Gen. 37:4-5), nearly killed their own brother (Gen. 37:20), and ultimately sold Joseph into slavery. (Gen. 37:28) From verse 19, we notice how they could not forget Joseph’s perceived wrong doing to them. When they first see Joseph, they declare “Behold, this dreamer cometh.” The dreams were what hurt Joseph’s brothers, and the dreams they were unwilling to forget lead to bitterness and hatred of their family member.

You must learn to forget the pain of your past unless there are times that it might help others who are hurting and who could be comforted by the comfort God has given you. (See II Cor. 1:4.) Of course, you should only bring up your past to help others if you are capable of the pain not harming you again and causing you to backslide. (See Gal. 6:1.)

You might think that forgetting the pain of the past is impossible, but it isn’t…if you get God’s help. God Who never forgets chooses to forget our sins.

  • Jer. 31:34 “…for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.
  • Is. 43:25 “I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.

And you must likewise choose to forget the wrongs done to you. However, if you choose to remember other’s failures, it will be nearly impossible to forgive and love them.

  • Pro. 17:9 “He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.

We can attest that it is possible to forget past wrongs with God’s help.

#3 – When to stay and when to go:

When it comes to family, we can often struggle with whether we should continue or terminate our relationship with them. As with anything else in our life, we must look to God’s Word for the answers. At times, there are certain people, even family, with whom God says we need to separate. Since we are not completely aware of who your parents are nor how they treat you, here are different passages from God’s Word about whom we must avoid.

  •                A.  Whom to avoid?
  • 1. Proverbs 22:24-25 “Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.”
  • 2. Romans 16:17 “Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.”
  • 3. II Thessalonians 3:6 “Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us.
  • verse 14 And if any man obey not our word by this epistle, note that man, and have no company with him, that he may be ashamed.”
  • 4. I Timothy 6:3-5 “If any man teach otherwise, and consent not to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness; He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings, Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.
  • 5. I Corinthians 5:11 “But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer (Note that the word means abusive, particularly verbal abuse.), or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.
  • 6. II Timothy 3:2-5 “For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.”
  • 7. Titus 3:10 “A man that is an heretick after the first and second admonition reject;”
  • 8. II John 1:10 “If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed:”
  •                B.  With whom to abide?
  • II Timothy 2:22 “Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

This is one reason why it is extremely important to go to a Bible-believing/preaching church. (See “You Need to Go to Church series.”)

  • Hebrews 10:25 “Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.”

#4 – Are you teachable?

  • Proverbs 1:5 “A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:”
  • Proverbs 9:9 “Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.”

Since we do not know who you or your parents are, it is important to make sure that you do not have an issue with being corrected or taught. Too often this modern world condemns biblical discipline and biblical teaching as abusive when it isn’t. Learning and being taught or rebuked should not cease when we leave the home. Believers are supposed to “exhort one another” (Heb. 10:25) or warn each other against sin (Jms. 5:19-20; Gal. 6:1). It is important that we do not become “scorners.”

  • Proverbs 9:7 “He that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself shame: and he that rebuketh a wicked man getteth himself a blot.”
  • Proverbs 9:8 “Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee.”
  • Proverbs 13:1 “A wise son heareth his father’s instruction: but a scorner heareth not rebuke.”
  • Proverbs 14:6 “A scorner seeketh wisdom, and findeth it not: but knowledge is easy unto him that understandeth.”
  • Proverbs 15:12 “A scorner loveth not one that reproveth him: neither will he go unto the wise.”

#5 – Surround yourself with Jesus.

Concerning how to keep your own spirit and your own home right, surround yourself with Jesus. This means only allow Christian materials and Christian friends to come into your home and your life. Surround yourself and your kids with only Christian media (Christian books, movies, shows, music, etc…). [See our Resources page for a ton of ideas.]

  • Romans 13:14 “But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.”

Don’t feed your flesh (“make not provision for the flesh”) with worldly music and media. Feed yourself and your kids with everything Jesus. Make sure to read, study, meditate, and study God’s Word, the Bible, which is also Jesus (Jn. 1:1; Rev. 19:13). And make sure to go to church (Sunday school, AM and PM worship, midweek services, revivals, etc…).

  • Hebrews 12:2-3 “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.”

Obviously, much more could be said, but here are some thoughts to help you in the right direction. Of course, our ministry and our website is here to freely help you so please avail yourself of the many articles and resources online to help you and your kids!